Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
You Might Also Like
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.