[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Always the camel, never the toe.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.