My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
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‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?