I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
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I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.