The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
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WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.