i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
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Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.