Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
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For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
This kid is a star!
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket