A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
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[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery