Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
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I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Oh we’ve met.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*