My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
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I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
kevin is now a local weatherman
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad