My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
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Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
This one’s “Alex”.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*