To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
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Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.