7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
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You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
How to make infinite energy.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
can’t believe I got front row seats
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people