ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
You Might Also Like
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.