[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
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bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
This dude got his own movie?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
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Me: Same.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”