Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
You Might Also Like
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??