Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
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I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I put the hot in psychotic.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.