I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
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*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.