Wait!! There’s a box??? ππ
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If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
This time of year, I grab weeds while Iβm walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhoodβ¦ specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
NASA: weβre sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesnβt even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Letβs go through this one more time.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disneyβ’
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: Whatβs wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.