WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
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The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
The smoothest fall of all time
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.