[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
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Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
fourth time’s the charm
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]