Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
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My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]