Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
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moms in horror movies
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house