[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
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What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Yep.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
The biggest mystery of our time
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.