Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
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I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Oh the world we live in…
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.