I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
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If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”