I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
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Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Sing it!
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
So glad we cleared that up
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators