Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
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My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.