ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
You Might Also Like
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.