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I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
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You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
kitchen magnet
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler