Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
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Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”