Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
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Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]