my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
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michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby