Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
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M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.