I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Dear Lord..
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..