My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
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Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.