I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
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*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.