me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
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Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.