[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
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Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.