Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
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“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Siri: Retweet me.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
pictures of spider-man
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.