[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
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When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Meme Monday.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.