*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
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*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.