You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
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My warrants are pretty outstanding.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
huge if true: the moon
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.