call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
You Might Also Like
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.