Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
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I know karate and tons of other words.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”