cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
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Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.