Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
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9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I could NOT have put it better myself.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.