[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him