Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
You Might Also Like
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.