A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
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I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*